I say tentative because I don’t want to get too excited, you know, let us not tempt fate and all that.
My superstitious side kicks in at times and I feel an awkward anxiety about how to handle these new dates in my calendar. The dates I was diagnosed, finished treatment and found out I was officially in remission are now etched into my psyche. There is no logic involved in this awkward feeling as logic would say, “celebrate in the now, think positive, zen out all the superstition and fear. Celebrate for those who got you here, for those you love, for those in its midst and those who didn’t make it this far”. Ideally logic would say this in the voice of David Bowie.
I couldn’t quite pluck up the courage to make a poster to pose with, eat cake and drink champagne. Ridiculous problem I know. After bargaining with logic and superstitions I eventually settled on marking the day with tea and dark chocolate. Although I’m not going to lie, most of my days consist of dark chocolate and tea, so I actually did nothing unusual to celebrate the day. I did however give the day a virtual nod of recognition and gratitude.
As Evie and Isobel clambered over me whilst I was trying to read them their bedtime story, I breathed in their baby soap clean smell -- ran my ringers over Isobel’s wonderfully pudgy little hands, tracing over the dimples on her knuckles and brushed Evie’s hair off her flushed soft cheeks, tucking it behind her ears. I soaked in every bit of them as they rolled around on our bed, chuckling and squealing as Nick blew raspberries on their bellies. I chatted with Evie as she organized her menagerie of teddies around her pillow, “Thanks for the fun day Evie”, “You’re welcome Mummy”. I've never felt more alive. I wonder if I've made it into the realm of her long term memories yet.
Thank you to all who got me here, for an amazing year and the opportunity to be in all these moments and memories. I will do my best to be a useful and loving human.
As Evie loves to hum along to 'Rebel, Rebel', I will sign out with a tribute to David Bowie,
"I don't know where I'm going from here, but I promise it wont be boring"