I recently joined a writers critique group, which I did because I’ve been writing up my Africa journals and was a little lost about where to go with it. During one of our meetings we got talking about blog sites and ended up all exchanging websites. I paused before jotting down ‘Puddles and Rainbows’ and then contemplated whether to blur my writing a little to distort the address. I compromised with a smudge of the ink with my finger.
Driving back home afterwards I kept thinking about my sudden hesitation to share this website, which isn’t entirely odd as it is a mish mash of personal health info and life musings written in mixed British/American English. What is more notably odd, is that I’m starting to care about that again. Some of the self-consciousness that lifted when I was going through treatment has suddenly seemed to settle back down again. Writing new posts feels a little uncomfortably self-indulgent and exposing.
There were many benefits to starting this blog – communicating with far away family and friends, helping connect with others in a similar position and it provided a cathartic outlet for my frazzled, chemo hazed self. The main reason for starting this blog, the one that drove my frequent postings, was my girls.
Faced with my mortality, I realized that I could leave them before they got a chance to remember me and know just how much I love them. For some reason it deeply disturbed me that they potentially wouldn’t know my favorite chocolate or how I like my tea. I take great pride in knowing my mums preferences. Although she did recently surprise me by gobbling the alcohol infused chocolates -- broadening her horizons apparently.
I talked through these somber fears through with my sister shortly after my last chemo session, “I would make you a legend, Sedgie, don’t worry about that. Going by the remains of this chocolate box, we like most chocolates, no?!” That made me feel better, I’d like to be a chocolate fiend legend.
All the same, there’s nothing quite like reading a memoir or autobiography, it fascinates me that you can feel attached to the author, really feel you know them, despite only having read their written word. This isn’t a memoir, but it is documenting my girls growing up and our time together. I hope we can enjoy reflecting on it one day.
So with that said, I will continue to update puddles and rainbows, hopefully overcoming this awkward self-conscious feeling.
For the record - I like my tea strong with milk and no sugar and Louise is right, I’m really not picky when it comes to the chocolates.
Driving back home afterwards I kept thinking about my sudden hesitation to share this website, which isn’t entirely odd as it is a mish mash of personal health info and life musings written in mixed British/American English. What is more notably odd, is that I’m starting to care about that again. Some of the self-consciousness that lifted when I was going through treatment has suddenly seemed to settle back down again. Writing new posts feels a little uncomfortably self-indulgent and exposing.
There were many benefits to starting this blog – communicating with far away family and friends, helping connect with others in a similar position and it provided a cathartic outlet for my frazzled, chemo hazed self. The main reason for starting this blog, the one that drove my frequent postings, was my girls.
Faced with my mortality, I realized that I could leave them before they got a chance to remember me and know just how much I love them. For some reason it deeply disturbed me that they potentially wouldn’t know my favorite chocolate or how I like my tea. I take great pride in knowing my mums preferences. Although she did recently surprise me by gobbling the alcohol infused chocolates -- broadening her horizons apparently.
I talked through these somber fears through with my sister shortly after my last chemo session, “I would make you a legend, Sedgie, don’t worry about that. Going by the remains of this chocolate box, we like most chocolates, no?!” That made me feel better, I’d like to be a chocolate fiend legend.
All the same, there’s nothing quite like reading a memoir or autobiography, it fascinates me that you can feel attached to the author, really feel you know them, despite only having read their written word. This isn’t a memoir, but it is documenting my girls growing up and our time together. I hope we can enjoy reflecting on it one day.
So with that said, I will continue to update puddles and rainbows, hopefully overcoming this awkward self-conscious feeling.
For the record - I like my tea strong with milk and no sugar and Louise is right, I’m really not picky when it comes to the chocolates.
Raided the Chocolate Covered Strawberries. I can't blame them
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